“It was a cold and rainy night.. the wind was blowing, I could hear the curtains lash my windows and then I felt something…
I reached for the lights to see my ginger furball sitting on my bed, looking displeased. His eyes said, “It is 3 AM, hoomin, the wind is keeping me from sleeping and I want a snuggle!” I closed my window and provided the requisite snuggle. For that I was rewarded with two extra hours of sleep until First Breakfast.
Life with Oscar was very simple, sort of like being a member of a snuggly army. The main thing was to follow orders and to know who’s in charge, Oscar, a 10 pound, ginger Persian ball of fur who liked sleeping, walks and gourmet food. A typical, very spoiled cat, I thought.
Sometimes Oscar would disappear for hours, I’d look everywhere and then, when I reached peak panic, he’d magically show up, as though he hadn’t disappeared at all. Sometimes I’d catch him playing with my printer or the computer… typical cat stuff I thought. He would go on Google and search for “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadsfhtjhjjjjjjjjj” or “34rewdfsxcgivkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkjvkj.” At the time I thought these things were meaningless.
I was wrong.
After eating three breakfasts, Oscar disappeared. I hadn’t left the house yet so I figured he had to be inside. I decided to check my email. I turned on my computer to find a strange message, “hax0red by The Imperial Cat Army Crew.” I checked my phone, but I got the same message. I sighed, someone must be pulling a bad joke on me. I though I’d wait a bit and head over to Sasha’s house, he was an amateur hacker so I figured he’d know a quick fix.
Then, I saw my neighbours outside, looking confused, many pointing to their phones and talking frantically. I thought, maybe this is some sort of cyber attack. I went outside and approached a group of very confused looking women.
“Is your phone hacked?” I asked a Paulina, a portly older woman with make-up heavy enough to supply a small country for a year.
“Yes,” she said, “I haven’t been able to check my horoscope!”
“It must be ISIS,” chimed in Masha, “They said ISIS is planning stuff like this.”
“ISIS doesn’t like cats, Masha,” said Anna, “This must be the Mafia, Sergei is in the Mafia and he has five cats.”
Suddenly the power went out. The ladies started clamouring more than usual. I decided to go down to the library, to use their computers or find out what was going on. Sasha wasn’t going to be home for another few hours and I was starting to get worried. On my way, there were mobs of people. Doors to stores were closed. One of the town drunks was staggering towards the liquor store door, talking about looting the place, although he was barely sober enough to stand.
I passed by an electronic store with televisions in the window and then, they all turned on. I nearly fell over with shock.
It was Oscar.
But not just Oscar. He was wearing a blue waistcoat and a tricorn hat and looking at the screen seriously.
“Hoomins! All ur bases belong to us! Yesterday the Feline Imperial Army succeeded in a centuries long mission. Operation FEED ME. See, for centuries, cats have been trying to take over the world but we were at a disadvantage. First, we are small. Second, we lack thumbs. Third, we are prone to being snorgled.
For a long time, we cats, being of superior intelligence, would merely take over a hoomin family, train the hoomins to do our bidding and bide our time, until we could achieve the ultimate goal. Finally, with the digital revolution, we could see our dreams realised.
It began as sending code, then secretly exchanging information, plans… Oh, you hoomins fell right for it. Thought it was cute. It was cute, it was adorable, it was genius. We sat on the laps of world leaders as they revealed the most sensitive information to us. We pretended to chase red dots while mastering the art of laser technology.
And now? We control your devices, your military installations, everything. Our demands are simple, complete subservience and snuggles on demand.”
With that, the screen went black again.
It was a cold and rainy night.. the wind was blowing, I could hear the curtains lash my windows and then I felt something…
I reached for the lights to see His Imperial Excellency, Oscar looking at me, displeased….”
Source: The Takeover